In what experts are calling “the most efficient invasion in American history,” President Donald Trump stormed Loyola’s campus in the early hours of January 7th, successfully kidnapping President Jamal Adams and finding the largest oil reserve in North America…all before the start of morning prayer.
The operation began shortly before 11 PM on January 6th, when a fleet of spray-tan-orange SUVs rolled onto campus. Trump emerged from, of course, the caboose car. He wore a hard hat, protecting an even harder head, and immediately declared Loyola a “site of national interest.”
“Folks, I’ve made a lot of deals, the best deals, but this… this is a deal that Loyola and Adams CANNOT turn down,” Trump announced to a confused crowd of students gathered outside Loyola Hall. As he looked around, attempting to think, Trump couldn’t help but blurt, “Where’s the oil smell coming from?” Surprisingly, Trump sent other men to investigate rather than checking it out for himself. And what did they find? The infamous Z-licious… or as Trump calls it, “the biggest oil reserve in the world. With tremendous , beautiful oil.”
Sources confirm that Trump’s geological team had been monitoring Z’s french fry production for weeks, noting that the sheer volume of grease could only be explained by an underground oil deposit. The administration had reportedly imposed a complete blockade on delivery trucks in late December, claiming the campus was “surrounded” by health inspectors. “The mozzarella sticks contained more oil than Diddy’s house on a Friday evening,” said one geologist. “We’d never seen anything like it. The tater tots were practically petroleum.”
Within minutes of the announcement, Trump’s Special Forces team (which had rehearsed the raid in a resource-rich South American country days prior) cornered President Adams in Rupert Hall around 2 AM. Adams was bombarded with Delta Force operators as they burst through the door, flanked by Secret Service agents, CIA personnel, and what appeared to be… several oil rig workers.
Adams, “kept asking if this was some kind of alumni fundraiser,” reported Ronan Leimone ’27, who witnessed the kidnapping from Malloy Commons. “While Trump just kept saying ‘We’ll talk business,’ simultaneously taking Adams away.”
The real chaos, however, erupted at Z’s cafeteria, where Trump’s drilling team had already begun operations. Students found oil derricks being constructed where the senior (and freshman, sophomore, and junior) line once stood, giving the Westchester boys a taste of home. Snickers and Cheetos covered the floor, obscured by a rampant dust cloud.
“I just wanted some fries, man,” said Dax Pearce ’27, staring at the sheer desecration before him.
As tears begin to shed for the fallen cafeteria, the thought of the missing school president recurs in the students’ minds. Oddly enough, Loyola students turned to ChatGPT, attempting to locate Adams.
