It’s been two days since Christmas and 900 Cubs still haven’t received any Christmas gifts. The Loyola community as a whole has been ablaze after The Loyalist received a tip from a main office whistleblower who leaked emails from Dean Utley. Allegedly, he used his Jesuit connections to contact Santa and send the JUG list straight to the North Pole. Any cub who had received a JUG at any point in their Loyola tenure is now prohibited from receiving any Christmas gifts. We cannot believe Dean Utley involved himself during the most sacred time of the year.

The Loyola community is understandably outraged, and, in this time of confusion, they are questioning his authority as a whole, asking, “Why does he think he has the power to do this?”

The cub victims are especially concerned. Model-student and one-time jug earner Ché-Thomas Coleman ‘27 is infuriated: “I cannot believe Dean Utley did that! I have been so cold at school and Santa was bringing me a Ralph Lauren Puffer! Now I’m gonna have to freeze and it’s his fault!”

These actions completely undermined the connection between Cubs and Dean Utley, and many Cubs have found themselves lost and confused in this crisis. The Counseling Office has sent out an email saying that, “We will be open following winter break for students to come in for guidance in this time of distrust.”

The question now is, what is the next step forward? Some students have been reporting that an underground WhatsApp group for the Mothers Guild has planned a riot of the main office in efforts to topple Dean Utley’s authoritarian regime. Allegedly, the Mother’s Guild is planning on robbing all hair gel from the Dean’s private collection.

Watch out for any unattended presents, as they may be traps from the Dean’s dictatorship. Nonetheless, The Loyalist encourages students to keep caution, avoid the main office and get to class on time to ultimately stay safe.