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Satire: How to Get off of Santa’s Naughty List

02 Dec 2016

By Michael Sullivan & Alec Zbornak

Well folks, Christmas time is here! Happiness and Cheer. And you all know what that means. That’s right, the big guy is coming to town. At this very second, he is making his list. And you better bet your bottom dollar that he is checking it twice. So, if you want anything other than two steaming lumps of coal in your stocking, then you better listen up. After traveling all the way to the North Pole to meet with the most prestigious and festive characters in the business—Rudolf, Frosty, the Grinch, et. al—we compiled the most comprehensive Yuletide instructions for how to stay off (or get off) Santa’s Naughty List.  

Dress for Success

You MUST wear ugly Christmas sweaters all the time. And we don’t just mean slightly unappealing: It must be drop-dead H-I-D-HIDEOUS. Some of the appropriate garnishments include: red and green pompoms, real ornaments, working lights, sequins, glitter, more glitter and, as soon as you think your sweater can’t get any sparklier, then even more glitter. When all else fails, bedazzling will do.

Caroling is Key

As a wise poet and philosopher once said, “The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear.” At 12:01 a.m. on Nov. 26, the calendar officially marked the start of the X-Mas season, and that means that Christmas music is the ONLY music that you should hear.

Early is On Time; On Time is Late

If your decorations aren’t already up, you’re 10 months too late. Christmas lights, like a baseball mitt or any fine cheese, only get better with age. Sure, some think that having lights on for such an extended amount of time may be “pricy” or “bad for the ‘environment,’” but, hey, it’s Santa’s big day, and you’ve got to do it his way.

Santa’s Cheat Day

While many are under the impression that Old Kris Kringle has quite the sweet tooth and that cookies are the appropriate snack to leave in thankfulness, this is NOT the case. After attending many Weight Watchers Seminar and learning all about the dangers of his Noel Cheat Day, he has put himself on a strict diet. Therefore, if you are planning on preparing any treats, make sure they are Vegan, Gluten-Free, Sugar-Free, Soy-Free, Carb-Free and Taste-Free.

Don’t Forget about our Good Friend, Rudolph

It is no secret that Saint Nick himself is the head honcho of the Christmas season, but let’s not forget where we would be without our good ol’ pal Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer. This reindeer runs a tight ship, leading Santa’s elite team all over the world in one night, and he deserves some jolly recognition. What does that mean for all of you? Be sure to slap down some carrots and apples near the chimney, and Santa might just reward you with everything on your Christmas list. Happy Holidays Cubs, and to all a good night!

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