By Cade Shore
1) Forget Thanksgiving dinner—get in line today. Do you want hot food or a hot deal? Saving $20 on a $1,500 television is way more satisfying than a turkey leg.
2) Pack appropriately. You’ll need the following:
- Comfortable running shoes—you’ll be sprinting through the store.
- Cattle prod—in case a stubborn shopper tries to block your way.
- Pepper spray—if the cattle prod doesn’t work.
- Portable loudspeaker—to yell incoherently in order to scare other shoppers.
3) Rent a large vehicle, preferably a dump truck or mobile home to carry all your purchases.
4) Travel in numbers. You’ll need at least one wingman for your assault on the outer aisles. The wingman should be a husky male relative who will act as a lead blocker. This person should be ready to sacrifice himself, even potentially get stomped by an angry mob of shoppers, in order for you to grab a great bargain like a torn XXL t-shirt.
5) Grab whatever you can. Who cares if you already have four toasters at home. You can always
use another one.
6) Practice your victory dance: The one you do on the way out of the store for the poor saps who
are still in line to get inside. Be obnoxious, be ridiculous. You’ve earned it.
1) Don’t bring a shopping list. You’re not selective. Even if it’s not on sale, it is still Black Friday, so buy it!
2) Don’t bring anything you can’t abandon when the store doors open. Who cares if you have to
leave a jacket or backpack behind. You can get another one. On sale.
3) Don’t bring anyone who is older than 50 or younger than 12, has asthma or any other
breathing disorder, suffers from claustrophobia, or is slow. Remember: Anyone who comes with
you is a potential competitor. Treat them accordingly.
4) Don’t worry about a budget. Or your bank account. So what if you overspend? That will only slow you down. You can’t afford to hesitate when a door-buster, like a cigar humidor, is still
available. Don’t smoke? Who cares—you can regift it.
5) Don’t worry about the return policy. It doesn’t matter if the store won’t take the product back. You can just throw it in the garage with all the other stuff you bought and can’t return.
6) Finally, don’t bring your pride. Or mercy. You won’t need them on Black Friday.