Loyola Should Ditch Academics, Focus On Getting Students Into College At All Costs

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Currently, Loyola is defined as a “college-preparatory” institution. Unfortunately, this style of teaching at the high school level is defunct, obsolete, and behind-the-times–what’s the point of becoming prepared for college if you can’t get into any? Rather, Loyola should become a “get-into-college institution” because getting into college is far more important than actual learning these days. To address this issue, I’ve come up with a modest proposal; I’ve laid out a few changes Loyola can implement to make its students better college candidates.

First, Loyola must get replace English classes with “College writing” classes, in which students only learn how to write in a way that is appealing to the college admissions officers. Why learn how to write essays on pieces of literature when you could be learning how to write a killer Common App personal statement? Everyone knows the uniqueness of one’s Common App is the key to getting accepted into college, so Loyola should compensate for this fact by implementing a new class solely dedicated to writing college essays.

Second, Loyola should restrict students from applying to various colleges. What’s the point of going to college if you’re not going to a big-name school with a respectable reputation? You are objectively wrong if you don’t think the statement “how well-known your college is determines how successful you will be” is true 100 percent of the time. It is a well-known fact that the only way to judge the worthiness of a person is to look at the prestige of the college he or she is attending (although an ACT score is a close second). Accordingly, Loyola should prohibit students from attending smaller universities that are not well-known; moreover, it should enforce that every student applies to all of the Ivies at a minimum.

Third, since nepotism is the most important factor regarding college admissions, Loyola should increase its tuition to pay for alumni to write killer letters of recommendation and pull strings to get students into colleges. Actually meeting and personally knowing the people with clout in the college world is blasphemy, so a simple increase in tuition will allow students to increase their chances of getting into college without ever having to know the people facilitating their acceptance.

And finally, Loyola should withdraw its summer break and force students to enroll in rigorous summer programs to increase their chances of getting into top universities. Getting into college is far more important than enjoying one’s childhood, and Loyola needs to address this fact. Rather than letting students relax, spend time with friends and family, or sleep, Loyola needs to force kids into laboratory positions or tough internships so that they can get into college.

It is my dearest hope that Loyola will see the implementation of these changes in years to come so that future students don’t have to endure the struggle of a genuine education.

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